Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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