I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
