my mouth tastes like poor choices
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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