Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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