a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize