Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
