I could make wine with my vomit
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
