I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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