He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
