allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize