I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
