fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
