Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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