If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
