I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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