when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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