shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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