my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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