wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize