is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
