I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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