the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
