Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
