i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
