I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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