chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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