He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
