Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
dude. I can hear the air.
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