Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He did a backflip because drugs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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