Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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