I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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