I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
