I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He better not be in your backpack
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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