I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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