she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
