The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
