i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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