What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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