One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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