I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
