he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
