i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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