Already got asked if we're dating
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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