also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
