I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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