hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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