Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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