I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
