My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
