you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
