I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
