today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize