yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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