you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
These tits shall not be calmed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
