That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
