If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize