are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
