I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
