I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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