peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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