I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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